“The world is dying.”

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Courtesy of Marlin Wheeler Photography

This seems a little disingenuous to say now given the current state of affairs and what what thew news has offered but this was also my response when my stepdad asked me why I decided to take a muay thai fight. He wasn’t too happy with my answer and decided that it was because I was bored. He was not wrong. I think my motivation for the fight was a combination wanting to challenge myself, having nothing to lose, and maybe a little boredom.

When I decided to take the fight, I had been training BJJ almost exclusivity for years and competing and not really making any progress (see previous posts for evidence). The majority of the tournaments I enter, result in me being eliminated during the first round and part of it seems to because of some mental blocks. One teammate even told me, “your problem is, you’re afraid of winning.” I’m not sure how true that is but I have noticed that there was something in me that would give up once I ended up in a bad position, usually side control or mount. I would wilt. Part of me also felt that training for and actually getting to a muay thai fight would help me overcome whatever was getting in my way just because of how rigorous training for muay thai is. I don’t slouch on my bjj preparation but the stakes are much higher in muay thai because no one is punching me in the face or trying to kick me in the head.

Training for this fight was one of the hardest things I’ve done physically and mentally. For a long time, I considered getting my life guard certification to be it. To take the course, you to be able to swim 500 yards and I’m not a swimmer but my stepdad was a triathlete and got me into shape so I could pass the pre-test. I think we spent four weeks getting for that. Getting ready for the fight was 10 weeks! This was 10 weeks of hitting pads with my coaches 3-5 times a week, sparring two nights a week, and running 12-15 miles weekly. As the camp progressed so did the intensity. I remember when one of my coaches texted at the beginning of weeks 7 to say it was time ramp up training, my mind almost exploded. How was that going to be possible? It ended up being longer runs and two extra pad sessions. The whole thing was exhausting. This was good and bad because it didn’t give me much time to really dwell on the fight. I just didn’t have the brain space to really think about it. I could only focus on what as in front of me.

That being said, the entire training camp began to blur but having such a strict was super nice except for the part where my five year streak of not crying in the gym was broken. This was a matter of personal pride – not that I don’t cry when training is tough or frustrating, I just try to wait until I’m in the parking lot. It was okay though. My coach emphasized that it was perfectly normal and almost expect because fighting and training for fights is super hard. But he also said, I need to keep my hands up so I don’t get hit so hard again. Even though training was super hard and I had to do things I hate, like running, there was one saving grace. I didn’t have to really cut weight. My fight was set to be at 140lb and I had just come off training for the Vegas Open and moving to 137lb. So I mostly had to maintain my weight and try not to lose too much. I ended up weighing in for the fight at 138lb.

The fight itself was blur in the middle of a day that consisted of lots of waiting. I felt super lucky that I my fight was at the top of the card because I have a tendency towards impatience and just wanted it to be done. It was also nice to be out of the green room and away from all the anxiety coming off all the other fighters anticipating their turn. I did start to get nervous while I was warming and started to worry about getting to tired because my coach/future brother in law kept pushing me. I was also trying not to agitate my left hamstring which I conveniently pulled two days before. When it was finally time to be on deck, I felt ready. My coach gave me one last pep talk and told me that I had done everything I could do to succeed and there was nothing left but to go out there and give it my all.

Time has not really made too much sense for some time now and the fight was the weirdest space of time. It was simultaneously super fast and painfully slow. After the first round, I was dead. The amount of running and padwork and what I thought was a decent level of cardio didn’t matter. It wasn’t a match for the adrenaline dump which was different from the one’s I get from competing at BJJ. I just felt so tired and it took everything I had to keep going. The only good thing about the adrenaline is that getting hit didn’t actually hurt while it was happening. The fight went the distance and I won via split decision. I think the first round could have gone either way, the second was my opponents, and I think I got the third. I haven’t really watched the fight again since the day after but that sounds about right. I just remember Chis telling me before the last round, “It’s just two more minutes, it’s nothing. Two minutes! You can do this!” I think that’s what powered me through the last round. Winning, especially in muay thai, which is a sport that I haven’t dedicated myself to like I have jiu jitsu, was surreal. It felt really good to win and to see all that hardwork pay off.

I hope I can fight again this year and try to better collect my thoughts to talk about how training totally changed my mindset towards a lot of things. One of those things was that I felt an increased sense of gratitude. I felt so grateful for all the opportunities that made up the minutiae of everyday life. I was grateful for my health, my gym, training partners, the fight, my opponenet, my family. I don’t know. I felt super emotional the whole time and wanted to cry because I just loved and appreciated everyone in my life so much more. All of the trivial stuff just melted away and it was freeing.

For now, I’m looking forward to competing next month and continuing to work on the holes in my game and trying to apply the muay thai mindset to jiu jitsu.

“The world is dying.”

A Tale of Two Tournaments

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I went into 2019 with those goals: compete at the Las Vegas Open and make my Muay Thai Debut. The first was crossed off my list at the end of August. I ended up only have one match but overall felt really good going into the tournament and during the match until everything went south. I have a fatal flaw when I roll and that is my horrible habit of throwing myself on bottom after having gained a top position. Every single match I’ve lost via submission is rooted in this one, reoccurring mistake. It’s a source of frustration for my coach and teammates and has plagued my for the past four years. It usually leads to me being mounted or having my back taken and this is what happened in Vegas.

Despite the loss, this match ended up being one my better ones. I was able to control the match and maintain top pressure for 3 minutes until we got pushed out of bounds and I went for a bad arm attempt. I should have just stood up and gotten reset. The failed attempted led to a back take and then a bow and arrow. The loss didn’t sting as the ones earlier this year and I think that had to do with the level of preparation I had put in. I know I said that about the Copa Bella but I added to that framework. I gave myself more time to lose the weight, ran more, and trained harder over all. We also had a new coach join the team and he has been super helpful in improving and changing my game. Training ended up being a lot of fun and reward in and of it self.

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Fast forward to today! I competed again. This time at my home gym in our in-house tournament designed to give people just starting out more competition experience. Obviously, it wasn’t the same atmosphere as an IBJJF tournament but it was good practice and I think I need to continue working on getting comfortable with competing and how unpredictable it is. There was no one in my bracket so I was moved a weight class and my opponent and I did best 2 out of 3. I followed the game plan designed by my coaches and was able to finish both matches with a submission – arm bar in the first and bow and arrow in the second. It felt good to win a match after only having one other, last year, at blue belt. This is probably my last tournament for the year. I am set to make my muay thai debut at the end of November so that’s very exciting!

As for books I’m currently working on a few. I read Legends of the Fall before starting the other ones and will hopefully carve out some time to write about it. It was so beautiful!

A Tale of Two Tournaments

Old Pueblo Open

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I competed again this past weekend. This time, I was able to stay in Tucson and not drive to Phoenix which was great. I really hate that drive and really only go up there for tournaments. The good thing about staying in town was that I was able to sleep in and just not worry about the drive or monitoring what I ate and drank to make weight. This tournament had weigh ins the night before which was a godsend! The bad thing about competing in Tucson is that the number of women competing is much smaller. I had one other woman in my bracket compared to the 7 total from last weekend and this one is my friend! So competing against her was really weird.

Since there were just two of us, the winner was determined by best 2 out of 3. I lost bought my matches. It was super disheartening but still not as bad as the previous weekend. I’m still trying to figure out how to bridge the gap between how I train and how I compete. Those two facets of my jiu jitsu are still worlds apart. When I’m rolling at the gym I can go several round and be super aggressive and not get tired but when it’s time for a tournament I start to panic and literally choke. My nerves have been subdued the past couple tournaments which is an improvement but my actual performance still leaves a lot to be desired. I hate this about myself but sometimes, about midway through a match, a part of me just dies and doesn’t want to be there anymore. This feeling started to creep up on me this match and I was able to edge it out but I ended up getting caught in mount AGAIN (!!!!). The pressure was unbearable and I felt that I was going to throw up or have a rib crack. It’s wild. That was the first time in a super long time I had felt that closed in and trapped in jiu jitsu. It scared me and I panicked. I need to learn how to redirect that fear into the will to keep pushing.

The second match went a bit better. I was less stuck and able to transition a bit better and not get as stuck. But I still got stuck, in dogfight, maybe. I don’t remember. I just remember having an arm around my neck. I haven’t had the will to watch the videos but I’ll get around to eventually. Competing is still super frustrating but I don’t see myself giving up on it. I truly do want to get better and the only way that’s going to happen is through repetition. I’m thankful for the opportunity to compete this weekend. I had originally only signed up for no gi but ended up with a gi match because that bracket only had one competitor so I was offered that one so we’d each be able to compete. Unfortunately, during the gi matches, Reina, my opponent hurt her rib and the no gi bracket was scrapped. I probably won’t compete again until the fall. I need a break and want to focus on just getting better at jiu jitsu and also trying to get ready for a muay thai fight.

As usual, I learned a lot. One thing that stands out is that maybe competing back to back is not for me. I am so exhausted but also super excited to train. Sometimes, it takes losing to really cause on to refocus. It’s given me something that feels more concrete to chase after and I’m glad for that! ❤

Old Pueblo Open

Unfinished Books are theee WORST!

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Unfinished books are something that I try to avoid and that is because they haunt me. As a result there are only a handful of them and I can remember why I gave up on them: nothing is happening, this is terrifying and I’m too young to be reading this, I have a book report due next week and this is taking too long! Well, I just added one more to that list and I won’t name it but the reason I gave up was the writing irritating me and one of the main characters seemed to only wear gowns and never dresses and honestly, that is just realistic, even for a story set around Victorian/Belle Époque eras. Day dresses were a thing and not every garment worn by a woman is a gown. I know this is super dumb but it just started to grate on me. Not deciding to definitely not finish this book was a bit of a struggle. It was a Christmas gift and the person that gave it me really loved it and I think there is meaning is sharing books with other people. Whenever I give someone a book or lend one out, it’s because there was something in that touched my soul and I want to see if it stirs something similar in them. As a result, I get a little sad if whatever I give/suggest isn’t read and want to try to avoid having someone else feel that way.

But it just wasn’t going to happen. Overall, there was potential for this book to be something that I liked but I don’t know, it was too YA in a bad way.  There was one subplot that I was really interested in and maybe I’ll go back to it but honestly, I just have the right now. There are too many other books I want to read, the ones I need to resume, and writing to catch up on.  I have had what feels like way less time than usual for these pursuits because this year has been insane. I bought a house and the past three months have been dedicated to organizing for my move, cleaning out the old apartment, and setting up my new house! Not to mention the actual process of buying a house. It was a bit impulsive and I didn’t know what to expect and it was lengthy. On top of this, it seems like everyone I know is getting married this year so I’ve had to go some weddings and other related events! It’s been fun but I’m tired and hopefully now I can have more time to read and write! AND TRAIN!

Training has been going really well lately and I’m glad to be on an upswing. I’ve also thrown in muay thai and have worked my way to sparring, which is a whole different animal than bjj and rolling. It’s been great to be at the bottom again. There is so much potential since there is nowhere to go but up and it’s deeply humbling to be a total beginner again!

Unfinished Books are theee WORST!