I’m no stranger to losing and usually am really good about taking my loss on the chin and moving on. But that doesn’t seem to be the case this weekend and it’s very weird and distressing for me. I competed yesterday in jiu jitsu for the first time since my muay thai fight and taking all that time off to train for it. I didn’t move down a weight class and stayed at my current weight for this one for a few reasons. I’m not sure how healthy it is for me to move to 135 a few times a year and I also just didn’t have the time.

This year feels like it’s been off to a bit of a rough start. I had a sinus infection/cold thing in the beginning of January and have been trying to fight a relapse by washing my sinuses every day. Gross, I know. I also got a dog and we’re still adjusting to each other. Work has also been especially draining and I hate that these all sound like excuses but added up together it has affected my energy level and thus ability to train. Despite all of this, I still wanted to compete and get this year started as far as meeting the goals I’ve set for myself.

That being said, I had one match Saturday and lost on points. The final score was 7-4 and it’s frustrating to me because I felt like I was in control of the match for most of the time. I trapped my opponent in closed guard and caught her with a collar choke, we were pushed out of bounds, and had to reset. Then I caught her with a triangle that she tried to get out of that ended up in a mounted triangle that I was unable to finish. From there I was swept and mounted. For a brief moment while in mount, I almost gave up. I reached that point where the pressure and discomfort is too much and could feel the wilting happening but I fought back this time! I’m proudest of that one tiny improvement. I was able to escape mount, a notoriously bad spot for me, and was able to reverse and mount her and tried to finish an Ezekiel choke from there but time ran out. I have this really bad habit of starting sentences with “I don’t know.” I’m not sure if it’s a nervous thing or lack of confidence or just part of my speaking but patterns but I don’t know, I feel so frustrated with how this match turned out and I hate that I didn’t immediately move right on like usual. I know it’s just a minor speed bump in what is ultimately I lifelong journey but at this moment it’s feels like those tiny specs of glass dust that are nearly impossible to clean up after breaking a water glass and it’s trapped in my palm.