“The world is dying.”

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Courtesy of Marlin Wheeler Photography

This seems a little disingenuous to say now given the current state of affairs and what what thew news has offered but this was also my response when my stepdad asked me why I decided to take a muay thai fight. He wasn’t too happy with my answer and decided that it was because I was bored. He was not wrong. I think my motivation for the fight was a combination wanting to challenge myself, having nothing to lose, and maybe a little boredom.

When I decided to take the fight, I had been training BJJ almost exclusivity for years and competing and not really making any progress (see previous posts for evidence). The majority of the tournaments I enter, result in me being eliminated during the first round and part of it seems to because of some mental blocks. One teammate even told me, “your problem is, you’re afraid of winning.” I’m not sure how true that is but I have noticed that there was something in me that would give up once I ended up in a bad position, usually side control or mount. I would wilt. Part of me also felt that training for and actually getting to a muay thai fight would help me overcome whatever was getting in my way just because of how rigorous training for muay thai is. I don’t slouch on my bjj preparation but the stakes are much higher in muay thai because no one is punching me in the face or trying to kick me in the head.

Training for this fight was one of the hardest things I’ve done physically and mentally. For a long time, I considered getting my life guard certification to be it. To take the course, you to be able to swim 500 yards and I’m not a swimmer but my stepdad was a triathlete and got me into shape so I could pass the pre-test. I think we spent four weeks getting for that. Getting ready for the fight was 10 weeks! This was 10 weeks of hitting pads with my coaches 3-5 times a week, sparring two nights a week, and running 12-15 miles weekly. As the camp progressed so did the intensity. I remember when one of my coaches texted at the beginning of weeks 7 to say it was time ramp up training, my mind almost exploded. How was that going to be possible? It ended up being longer runs and two extra pad sessions. The whole thing was exhausting. This was good and bad because it didn’t give me much time to really dwell on the fight. I just didn’t have the brain space to really think about it. I could only focus on what as in front of me.

That being said, the entire training camp began to blur but having such a strict was super nice except for the part where my five year streak of not crying in the gym was broken. This was a matter of personal pride – not that I don’t cry when training is tough or frustrating, I just try to wait until I’m in the parking lot. It was okay though. My coach emphasized that it was perfectly normal and almost expect because fighting and training for fights is super hard. But he also said, I need to keep my hands up so I don’t get hit so hard again. Even though training was super hard and I had to do things I hate, like running, there was one saving grace. I didn’t have to really cut weight. My fight was set to be at 140lb and I had just come off training for the Vegas Open and moving to 137lb. So I mostly had to maintain my weight and try not to lose too much. I ended up weighing in for the fight at 138lb.

The fight itself was blur in the middle of a day that consisted of lots of waiting. I felt super lucky that I my fight was at the top of the card because I have a tendency towards impatience and just wanted it to be done. It was also nice to be out of the green room and away from all the anxiety coming off all the other fighters anticipating their turn. I did start to get nervous while I was warming and started to worry about getting to tired because my coach/future brother in law kept pushing me. I was also trying not to agitate my left hamstring which I conveniently pulled two days before. When it was finally time to be on deck, I felt ready. My coach gave me one last pep talk and told me that I had done everything I could do to succeed and there was nothing left but to go out there and give it my all.

Time has not really made too much sense for some time now and the fight was the weirdest space of time. It was simultaneously super fast and painfully slow. After the first round, I was dead. The amount of running and padwork and what I thought was a decent level of cardio didn’t matter. It wasn’t a match for the adrenaline dump which was different from the one’s I get from competing at BJJ. I just felt so tired and it took everything I had to keep going. The only good thing about the adrenaline is that getting hit didn’t actually hurt while it was happening. The fight went the distance and I won via split decision. I think the first round could have gone either way, the second was my opponents, and I think I got the third. I haven’t really watched the fight again since the day after but that sounds about right. I just remember Chis telling me before the last round, “It’s just two more minutes, it’s nothing. Two minutes! You can do this!” I think that’s what powered me through the last round. Winning, especially in muay thai, which is a sport that I haven’t dedicated myself to like I have jiu jitsu, was surreal. It felt really good to win and to see all that hardwork pay off.

I hope I can fight again this year and try to better collect my thoughts to talk about how training totally changed my mindset towards a lot of things. One of those things was that I felt an increased sense of gratitude. I felt so grateful for all the opportunities that made up the minutiae of everyday life. I was grateful for my health, my gym, training partners, the fight, my opponenet, my family. I don’t know. I felt super emotional the whole time and wanted to cry because I just loved and appreciated everyone in my life so much more. All of the trivial stuff just melted away and it was freeing.

For now, I’m looking forward to competing next month and continuing to work on the holes in my game and trying to apply the muay thai mindset to jiu jitsu.

“The world is dying.”

Unfinished Books are theee WORST!

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Unfinished books are something that I try to avoid and that is because they haunt me. As a result there are only a handful of them and I can remember why I gave up on them: nothing is happening, this is terrifying and I’m too young to be reading this, I have a book report due next week and this is taking too long! Well, I just added one more to that list and I won’t name it but the reason I gave up was the writing irritating me and one of the main characters seemed to only wear gowns and never dresses and honestly, that is just realistic, even for a story set around Victorian/Belle Époque eras. Day dresses were a thing and not every garment worn by a woman is a gown. I know this is super dumb but it just started to grate on me. Not deciding to definitely not finish this book was a bit of a struggle. It was a Christmas gift and the person that gave it me really loved it and I think there is meaning is sharing books with other people. Whenever I give someone a book or lend one out, it’s because there was something in that touched my soul and I want to see if it stirs something similar in them. As a result, I get a little sad if whatever I give/suggest isn’t read and want to try to avoid having someone else feel that way.

But it just wasn’t going to happen. Overall, there was potential for this book to be something that I liked but I don’t know, it was too YA in a bad way.  There was one subplot that I was really interested in and maybe I’ll go back to it but honestly, I just have the right now. There are too many other books I want to read, the ones I need to resume, and writing to catch up on.  I have had what feels like way less time than usual for these pursuits because this year has been insane. I bought a house and the past three months have been dedicated to organizing for my move, cleaning out the old apartment, and setting up my new house! Not to mention the actual process of buying a house. It was a bit impulsive and I didn’t know what to expect and it was lengthy. On top of this, it seems like everyone I know is getting married this year so I’ve had to go some weddings and other related events! It’s been fun but I’m tired and hopefully now I can have more time to read and write! AND TRAIN!

Training has been going really well lately and I’m glad to be on an upswing. I’ve also thrown in muay thai and have worked my way to sparring, which is a whole different animal than bjj and rolling. It’s been great to be at the bottom again. There is so much potential since there is nowhere to go but up and it’s deeply humbling to be a total beginner again!

Unfinished Books are theee WORST!

Rise of the Prospects

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It really does seem like I tend to post things almost two months after the fact. I’m not entirely sure what causes  this but I’m starting to think it might be time and fear. Time because there are only so many hours in a day and fear because of the vulnerability that writing entails. I still haven’t told any of my friends or training partners about this blog. I’ve only alluded to it to maybe one or two people but no one has the address. One day, I’ll announce it.

Back in October I got to be part of something really cool in my city that was hosted by my gym, Rise Combat Sports. The owners, Jen and Chris, put together a promotion called Rise of the Prospects to give local fighters and grapplers a chance to showcase their skills. It’s really cool because Tucson does have a burgeoning MMA scene with plenty of gyms and lots fighters. Jen was telling me that she was advised to overbook the card because fighters tend pull out. This was not the case and instead, she was fielding requests to be added to card non-stop. This first card had Muay Thai and BJJ. The first half of the card was dedicated to Muay Thai with the second half reserved for jiu-jitsu.

This event was was a lot of fun. It was an opportunity to compete without having to pay a tournament fee and I only had one match, so I didn’t have to deal with the anxiety of “What if I win and have more matches?” Every fighter also got to choose their own walkout music and the atmosphere was so different from tournaments. Instead of being a hot and sweaty gym, we were this neat venue downtown surrounded by an actual crowd which was really cool. My match ended up being a loss for me. I got caught in a bow and arrow against a very tough competitor. It was disappointing to have lost again so soon. This was the weekend after my disastrous performance at the Southwest Classic. But it’s okay because before my match I got to cheer my sister, Bianca, on her in Muay Thai debut!

Bianca is my little sister and joined Rise about a month after I did. In the beginning she was a little timid and would only take the women’s muay thai class and then, only if she had a guaranteed partner that she was comfortable with. Bit by bit she started to get better and become more confident. Eventually, she just got really good. Bianca has always been really athletic. She played varsity basketball and softball in high school and did really well there too. I remember a write up in the local paper that referred to her as the basketball team’s “tenacious little defender.” So naturally, she would take to this new sport. She spent some time going between wanting to fight and not fight and I’m so glad she finally decided to. She worked so hard in the lead up to the fight and ran actual camp. She was running, eating well, hitting pads, and sparring. It was a huge step out of her comfort zone and it paid off! OMG! It was such a good fight and I’m so proud of her!!!

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After the fight with my dad and other sister, Jennifer.

Rise of the Prospects 2 will be taking place this weekend. I won’t be competing because initially I really wanted to go to No Gi Worlds but I won’t be doing that either. The week after this match, my LSAT scores came in and I have to retake it. I need to improve my score to get into the school I want because I’m not settling for anything less!

Rise of the Prospects